My Personal JourneyI officially started my BDSM journey 10 years ago now. I have known I enjoyed bondage and sexual submission for 28 years and after bringing it up with a man I was dating and getting shot down I actively sought out bondage for my next relationship. That started me on journey into power exchange on levels I never knew were possible.
When I started out I quickly moved from sexual submission and bondage, into service and pain. The counter intuitive part, at least for me, was that this part of my journey made me stronger, more confident. When a relationship started to develop with a switch I soon found myself in the role of service top. At that time I would actually wince when he cried out in pain. This was my introduction into switching.
I don't think of it as "revenge." I think of it as "expressing my appreciation by returning the favor."
- Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by TeachMeTonight
I met Maddmonk who would ultimately become my master and found myself following him and my submission into surrender and slavery. I cannot say how much I value my master because of his willingness to let me be all that I am and the encouragement he has given me in my journey. Even as my surrender to him grew he encouraged me to let my sadism and dominance grow. This has made being in touch with my desire to surrender to him challenging at times.
Today I am aroused by both sides of the power exchange, I identify as a switch, for me that means I enjoy submission, dominance, serving, being served, and sadism. You may note that masochism is not on my list. Although being on the receiving end of pain is definitely part of my submission, the only place it comes from within me is from my submission. Friends and others will often hear me say, “Unfortunately pain is the most powerful form of submission for me because I don’t like it.” This works for Maddmonk because for him being a sadist means taking you somewhere beyond where you would willingly go.
At this time I also have a developing relationship where I am dominant and sadistic with a young man who also identifies as a switch. Like me, his primary calling is to submission, but he definitely has his dominate side in his interactions with others and occasionally in his interactions with me. So with this new relationship I am learning about the challenges of being on the top side of a relationship with a switch.
The Challenge of Submission and Surrender
I think there was some element of challenge for me even before I started to identify as a switch. This is because in most aspects of my life I have been dominant, as a mother, project manager, coach, and leader. You can count on me to have an opinion, to be willing to make a decision, to have input into solving a problem. What has always been difficult was to turn that off, especially when I think that I have a better idea.
What works for me here is to pause and take that moment to remind myself what is important to me. Maddmonk often will say to people who are struggling with something, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” The answer to that question when it comes to our relationship is almost always, “I want to be happy,” and my submission and surrender are what make me happy. At almost 50 years old I have wasted a lot of time and energy on being right about things that are not really important. I admit at times I still do, but if I give myself the time to focus on my submission instead of the thing I want to fix, it is a no brainer to let it go.
I have another struggle that I deal with in regards to my submission. That is taking on the role of victim. This is part of my history, part of my baggage, and something that can creep up on me. The challenge for me here is to change my method of dealing with it from one of “standing up for myself” in other words confrontation to one of true surrender. Surrender in this case means actually letting go and not storing the time I did not get what I wanted as some sort of petty grievance. These grievances tend to stack up, weigh me down, and erupt in inappropriate ways. Typically relationship counselors would talk about forgiveness being healthy for the person doing the forgiving. In a relationship based on dominance and submission, surrender is healthy for the submissive.
The Challenge of Dominance and Control
The biggest challenge of dominating a switch that I have encountered is really about my own fears. The question that seems to float into my thoughts is “Am I dominant enough?” The danger of this thinking is that I tend to back off on levels of control that help sustain the relationship. My focus changes from what I want out of the relationship and what pleases me to what pleases him. Even if these two things are not mutually exclusive the problem with this shift is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The reason is that I am no longer dominating, I am moving into the role of service top. This will not work in the long term for either of us if we came together seeking a relationship based on dominance and submission. Neither partner is getting what they want from the relationship.
The best way to prevent this is focus. Focus is required to maintain rules and boundaries. I often recommend a book to parents called, How to Behave So Your Children Will Too, Corey Hartwyk and Ashley McCarthy. I think a similar book could be written for D/s relationships. The bottom line would be the same though, as the person in charge I must retain my focus so that I can be consistent. Inconsistency on my part leads to decay in the behavior of my partner. It is important for me to remember that boundaries work for me as the dominant partner not just for my submissive partner.
When focus has been lost and I need to recover, I need to take the time and be willing to face my fears by re-establishing the boundaries and communicating clearly what those boundaries are. My lesson learned here is that this takes more energy than whatever energy I “saved” by not taking the time to focus in the first place.
Another challenge is dealing with resistance. When I am in the dominant role with a partner who switches there will inevitably be times where he thinks he is right or does not willingly submit. It is critical that I do not turn away from this resistance, it is also critical that I am clear about the consequences and that I am willing to enforce them. This all comes back to being consistent and remembering that by being consistent resistance will fade.
The Rewards of Having a Switch as a Partner
Along with challenges of D/s relationships with a partner who switches there are rewards. The primary thing I seek in my relationships is something I refer to as energy exchange. Many would refer to the same thing as power exchange. I view energy exchange as something that emanates from power exchange. Power exchange defines roles and boundaries between partners. Energy exchange results when we are actively exercising and surrendering power.
What attracts me is the power of my partner, whether he is dominant, submissive, or switches. Power is something I bring to the table as a switch. When I surrender that power to Maddmonk it creates an addictive energy exchange. When I receive that surrender from my current partner it can be just as addictive.
Another benefit of a partner who switches is one of perspective. When I switch between dominance and submission I bring my experience in both to the power exchange. I know what works for me in both roles and I can add that to how I approach the relationship.
In Conclusion
My journey into power exchange and BDSM continues and I look forward to growing and learning in all of my roles and relationships. I enjoy both the challenges and rewards of switching and my relationships with other switches. I hope you have found something here that speaks to you or expands your options when it comes to your relationships.
Current Mood: 
contemplative
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teachme2nyt's journal
